Before I went in I did sign a paper about what to do if I died. I put my then best friend down to care for my kids. To make a long story short, I woke up before Christmas. But I had no will to live and refused to eat or even try to get up. My friend heard the doctor in the hall talking to my mom about if I did not eat and do something to get my will back I could die. Because I had just given up. Well the friend came in my room and slapped me ...real hard. Then walked to the door and told me she was going to give my kids all away to different people as soon as I was in the ground, that she did not want to raise my brats. By then the doctor, my mom and nurse's came running in because I was trying to pull IV"S out nd trying to get up and falling. I could hardly talk much less yell but told her I would kill her first. She just laughed and told the Doctor "She will be ok now" and walked out. I am telling you this because I want you to know why I was so scared of dying. It is because I almost did...once in the car accident, 2 in the operating room and 3 when I was giving up.
Now before my eye surgery my kids were already adults...but I had grandkids. One of my grand daughters still lived at home with us. I had grandkids I took care of and some I did not see often. I have never talked to any of them about me being afraid to die with this disease. I was so scared as I said, that I wrote my will, and wrote a letter to each of my children, to my husband and to all my grandkids. I told them things I could not bring myself to say to their face. I told them How very much I loved them. It was hard for me to do. Still is hard to even think about. But maybe not such a bad idea. It hit home to me today that this women was telling her family good by. I had to have been the hardest thing in the world to do for all of them. Yet how many of us get to do this. Not many have the chance to say good by. Since then I have had 8 more eye surgeries. And I am still scared to die.
To top it all off my father came to live with us 3 years ago. very healthy and still doing a lot. Just took him to the doctor the week before I found him dead. He just died, just gave up . 2 years ago my husband got cancer ( he is ok now they got it) and he almost died during surgery . He had a 10% chance of making it and he did. But I still check to see if he is breathing during the night. I still get that scary feeling. I just hope it is something I can over come soon. It is still very much in me.