A family divided because of a death has been happening for ever. You would think that when there is a death in a family that the family would be closer and old resentments and disagreements would be forgotten. That may be true in some families but many more are divided. In some families when there is a death a person’s true feelings come out. Some very hard truth comes out. Things you did not know come out. Resentments you never knew about come out. Jealousy you never knew about come out. People you loved and respected will tell you things that hurt you deeply. People you trusted will show you that you were wrong to trust them. Not just wrong but blind to what others really thought about you. Some will try to cheat you, some will go so far as to try to ruin you. Some will try to discredit you. If you are on Face Book or another internet group a person may even tell others to un-friend you and not donate to your cause. They may try to make you look like a person not to be trusted. You will ask yourself why?? What did I ever do to this person that I loved and thought I knew? Sometimes the true nature of a person comes out when there is a death in a family. Many times it is ugly and not nice to see. One of the big problems is that the person being hurt does not deserve this. They may be a very good and kind person. But sometimes just because they are good and kind may be just the reason they are the target. Not to say that a person that has never been good and nice will not be a target . But, for now we are talking about good and kind people that are hurt by others after a death in the family. One of the things I have learned not only from personal experience but from many of you is who is doing the hurting to others. Many times it is the wife, husband, adult child or parent of a child who has passed away who is hurting others. The person who may have been very close to the deceased.
It is surprising to see how often this happens. You may think money has something to do with it. Yes, many times money does . Some times money or property left by the deceased to one person may make another very upset. Why because they think it should be theirs. In truth if the deceased wanted them to have it in the first place it would have said so in a will. Some times it has nothing to do with money or property left by the deceased. Sometimes some people find a good opportunity to hurt another by lies and distortions. This may be seen as an opportunity to really hurt somebody they could not have hurt before with out looking bad. Now they are the poor grieving wife, husband , child or mother. Who would not believe them and feel sorry for them. Especially if they are telling people that do not really know the other person. If your grieving friend told you their father was somebody that only showed up to profit from the death of their child….wouldn’t you believe them? Ofcourse you would. If the grieving mother said things bad things about a step-mother…would you believe them? Ofcourse you would. I am not saying these people spreading rumors and trying to hurt others are not hurting themselves. I am sure they hurt very much sometimes. You would think as bad as they hurt they would not want to hurt others. You would think they of all people would understand that others are hurting too. They would not want to hurt others. Wrong! This is a great opportunity for some and they will not let it pass. Some of you may think I am being hard…may be so. But those of you who read what I write know I do not pull punch’s and speak from personal experience plus what many of you tell me and want me to talk about because you can not.
With that said….many of you may think I have no compassion for the person spreading the lies and rumors. The person doing the hurting. I do to a certain extent. Many of you have stated that maybe the husband , wife or mother is just hurting so bad they do not know what they are saying they are grieving and hurt. Maybe they are just lashing out because they are hurting so bad. Maybe. But if that was true I ask you this question…..Why is the target ONLY certain people? Are they lashing out at everybody around them? I think you will find the answer is “NO”. Are they so far in grief that they do not know what they are saying. I think the answer is also “NO” I am sure that these things do happen. But if the person doing the hurting and spreading lies and or rumors is having a conversation with you and knows exactly what they are talking about……well they know exactly what they are doing and how they are hurting people. They also know that people will not find them at fault after all they are the grieving wife, husband child or mother.
So how does a person defend themselves from lies and accusations from that person? Well now that is the question. The more they say about you and the more you try to defend yourself the worse you look. In the long run you look like the bad guy. And now days with the internet and places like Face Book that person can accuse you of things and as soon as you defend yourself they delete their original post. There you are looking like you are being mean and cruel to the grieving wife, husband or mother of the deceased. They can tell others to un-friend you that you are undeserving of their trust……and then delete it. They have started the fire now all they have to do is sit back and watch it burn and watch you get hurt. Yes, it is cruel, very cruel. When all you are trying to do is defend yourself. You are looking like the bad guy.
. Yes, you can reported it, but if it is deleted there is not much you can do about it. So, if any body ever does do that to you my advice is to copy and paste it some where else. You may need it later if your reputation is in question. If this person is ruining your hard earned reputation you may have to seek advice from a lawyer. You may have to sue if it is ruining your business or other parts of your life. This is a last resort but that option is out there just like the option this person choose to ruin you. No matter how you look at it this is a nasty business. This is something that happens everyday to innocent people by hateful uncaring people. The person you think is so nice and caring may not be that at all. When there is a death in the family the truth comes out. That is usually when you find out who cares for you, who likes you , who loves you and yes who does not like you or love you. If you are a good and kind person that will also come out for everybody to see. Sooner or later things calm down and people start remembering what was said and by who. Some times it is best to distance yourself from who ever lied and tried to ruin you. You do not need this person in your life. You may hurt and continue to love that person…but that does not mean they have to be part of your life. Just because they are family does not mean you have to like them and be around them. God gave you the ability to choose. Yes you can be the bigger person and forgive them. You can forgive them and pray for them but that still does not mean you have to be near them so they can do it again. Life is to short to have toxic people in it.
In another article we will talk about the goodness that comes from unexpected places. I welcome any and all comments on this subject. I hope I have covered what many of you asked me to.